Mr. Truman

Big Mac Attack

I recently boasted lamented that I could eat a Big Mac in six bites. The truth is, I've never actually counted how many bites it takes me to finish the sandwich.

So I decided to find out.

Well, it's less than six bites. And that was with very little effort.

Who knows -- maybe if I pushed myself I could finish a Big Mac in one bite.

[Click through for the video.]

This is how the pros do it.

Gunga Galunga

So, how is your day going?

Me? Well, I got caught up on some laundry and, oh yeah, Jesus Christ just appeared to me in a food stain on a piece paper by the stove.

So I've got that goin' for me. Which is nice.

Oh Christmas Tree

I love the smell of pine that fills the house when you have a live Christmas tree. Though, sometimes it has it's drawbacks.

Like when a trillion tiny spiders hitch a ride into your house with the tree.

Below you can see the corner of a bag from a Christmas present that was sitting under the tree. See that sandy dirt looking stuff? Spiders. Lots and lots of teeny tiny spiders. Be sure to click on the picture to see it in it's full sized creepy crawly gloriousness.

And if you really feel like running your nails down the proverbial chalkboard, scroll down to the animated image.

Those Tasty Little Monkeys

Every summer, Aunt Emily heads off to Connecticut to work at the Hole in the Wall Gang camp. The kids know she goes to camp every summer, but I don't think I've ever explained exactly what camp is.  One day this summer I asked the kids to draw a picture of what they thought Emmy was doing at camp.  This is Amelia's drawing.

She said, "Emily and the babies are chasing and eating monkeys."

Um, yeah.

Truth in Advertising

Call me crazy, but there's just something wrong with starting your day with a breakfast called "Nutty Nuggets."

Are they describing the cereal or your next bathroom visit?

It's Already Been Broughten - 2011

This is a repost. The 2011 Bring It On worldwide viewing party will be Thursday, August 25 at 10:00 PM Eastern.

...

For a moment, let's take a break from the child-bragging, photo-sharing, and other nonsense that usually occupies this blog.  Let's get a little serious.

Let's talk about Bring It On.  Or as French Canadians know it, Le Tout Pour Le Tout.

This Sunday, August 22, marks the ten year anniversary of the release of the Double Rainbow of modern film: Bring It On.  It's hard to believe that this landmark movie was gifted to us a mere decade ago while it's cultural influence seems to reach back centuries.  So often today's theater fare trades substance and artistry for mindlessness and spectacle.  It's rare that we're challenged with the intellectual acrobatics that quench the mind and soul the way director Peyton Reed provokes us in this, his magnum opus, Bring It On.  Having seen this chef-d'œuvre a full 97 times myself, and at one stretch on 26 consecutive nights, I can honestly give my unbiased opinion that Bring It On is in fact the greatest movie ever made.  And it introduced the world to "spirit fingers."

Bring It On follows über athlete Torrance Shipman and her tale of rejection, revenge and ultimately redemption as she embarks on her senior year of high as the newly elected captain of her high school's champion cheerleading squad.  Torrance is deftly played by Kirsten Dunst in what may be the only 99 minutes of her career where I don't want to claw her face off with my bare hands.  Paired with a spunky performance by up-and-comer Eliza Dushku (who goes on to near Oscar nomination worthy performances in The New Guy and The Coverup) as Missy Pantone, we get a brilliant dichotomy that blossoms into a friendship that could only be forged on the stage of competitive teen cheering.  As if this isn't enough, industry clydesdale Lindsay Sloane makes an appearance as lovable firecracker, Big Red.  And who can forget the heart wrenching performance by that one guy from that one hacker movie that had a young Angelina Jolie in it?  This is one of those few exceptional films where all of the actors wield the hammer of theatrical performance with such precision and synchronicity that you are destined to walk away with a migraine of dramatic veneration.

But don't just take my word for it.  A decade ago, the film world was abuzz, singing the praises of this amazing piece of modern art.  Along with an MTV Movie Award nomination for Best Dance Sequence and two Teen Choice Award nominations for best actress (Dunst) and best film (that's a comedy), Bring It On took home the granddaddy of them all, the Audience Award from the Czech Republic's Zlín International Film Festival for Children and Youth.  To this day, even the staunchest critics admit that had the Academy Awards existed at the time of it's release, Bring It On would have swept every single category including Best Period Costumes, Best Use of the Song "Cherry Pie" by Warrant, and Best Claymation.

Bring It On changed my life for the better and I want nothing more than to share that experience with you.  While my letter writing campaign to Universal Studios yielded an encouraging cease-and-desist court order, my best efforts were still not enough to achieve my ultimate goal of a 10th anniversary theatrical re-release of Bring It On.  But that shouldn't stop the Bring It On community from celebrating this momentous occasion.  Whether you're one of the 1% of humans who never got to caress their eye and ear balls with this treasure, or you're a diehard fan wanting to visit Rancho Carne High School one more time, there are still ways join the anniversary celebration this weekend.  While the Netflix catalog is, generally speaking, rather sparse, they were smart enough to obtain several copies of the Bring It On DVD.  If you hurry, you may be able to have one shipped to your home in time for Sunday viewing.  However, if you're smart, you'll follow the lead of the many movie aficionados that have managed to secure their own copy of Bring It On by scouring the "classics" bin found in most of the nation's finest truck stop gas stations.

Join me this Sunday night for a worldwide simultaneous viewing of Bring It On at exactly 9:30 PM Eastern and relive the greatest event in movie history.



And as Torrance would say, "Take a whiff.  This movie's the poo."

Return of the Man Baby

Remember that old Man Baby shop job I did for me and Truman? I got a chuckle when I saw it just resurfaced on Parenting.com.  It still gives me the creeps anytime I see it.

2011: A Space Jeopardy

Tension mounts on the set of Jeopardy: Man vs. Machine.

My Photoshop tribute to this week's Man vs. Machine challenge on Jeopardy. Yes, I'm a dork.

We're Not Pregnant!

We're not pregnant. But the next time we are, we're getting pregnancy photos taken. Specifically this pose. And we're sending it to everyone we know.

"I think we should give the 8x10 to your mother."

Thank you to Rebecca at Unexplained x2 for bringing this collection of Awkward Family Photos to my attention. You have to check out the whole thing.

With or Without Beans?

Jell-o? Sure.
Pudding? OK.
Baby oil? Of course.

But chili? Really? Who came up with this one? Was there a sale at Sam's club? Is it the Texas or Cincinnati variety?

This is why North Dixie is one of the most interesting roads in America. If you're ever in Dayton it's a must visit. Though "visiting" with one of the local working girls is purely optional. (If you do, the souvenir you bring home will likely require the application of some special ointment later.)

I wonder if at an event like this it's customary to place saltines in the girls' g-strings? Maybe I'll have to go and find out...

Howling at the Moon

What is with the Twilight madness that seems to have infected every female between the ages of 12 and 79? I thought for sure it would have died down by now, but it's still getting worse. Forget H1N1, this country needs to focus its resources on finding a vaccine for this brain altering disease. (If you're a Cougar, you're in the high risk category, so you'll get first priority.)

Did people actually see the first film? I rented it and attempted to keep an open mind, but it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. What's with the Robert Pattinson hype? He seems only so-so good looking and I'm guessing he needs help to open peanut butter jars. If spindly and wiry are so damn hot, I should have been seeing a lot more action my freshman year in high school. (Disclosure: Any action my freshman year in high school would technically be "a lot more.")

And this Taylor Lautner guy? Isn't he like 13 years old? The things the Cougars want to do to him... yikes. If 45 year old men had been saying these things about Winnie Cooper Miley Cyrus, for example, people would be in an uproar. Double standard?

If you haven't seen the first teen angst fest known as Twilight, I've put together a recap that will get you up to speed. Now you can walk into New Moon fully prepared without actually subjecting yourself to the first movie.

Evil Truman Is Not a Myth!

Finally caught that look on film...

Warning: NSFL (Not Safe for Lunch)

OK, if you're about to eat or are particularly squeamish, turn back now. I'll post some cutesy kid photos later and you can pretend this post never happened. Seriously. Stop reading.

Different strokes for different folks.

People do a lot of things that I might consider crazy, but hey, to each their own. I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Willing to pay a spa hundreds of dollars so you can stick your feet in a bucket of flesh eating little fish? Enjoy! Want to get a tattoo of a penis on your forehead? Go for it! Thinking about growing a lame ass beard for no apparent reason? More power to you! (Seriously, more power to you. Because growing a beard is effing rad.)

But just because I respect your right to do the allegedly absurd doesn't mean I won't dry heave at the mere thought of your actions.

Like, say, the act of eating placentas.

It may sound crazy, but placenta (or "afterbirth") eating isn't, by any means, a new idea. It's a traditional practice in some cultures. Placentas have also been used in ancient Chinese medicines since, um, ancient times. And cows have been down with eating their own placentas for years (and not just the hippie cows, either). So, this isn't some trendy "I drive a Prius and eat placenta" fad -- there's actually some history to it.

By the way, for those of you that don't know (I didn't know before Jameson was born), the placenta is this big organ thingy that grows inside pregnant mammals and pumps all the life juices from the mom through the umbilical cord to the baby. Once the baby is delivered, this organ has to be delivered, hence the name "afterbirth." Take all the beauty and splendor and miraculousness of a brand new baby and then think of the exact opposite. Then dunk it in blood salsa. That's the placenta.

Well, for whatever reason, I've seen this topic discussed a few times recently. At first I thought I dreamt this all up as a result of drinking and watching too much Man vs. Food and Dr. G: Medical Examiner. It's very real, though. Technically, it's called placentophagy. The people that do it typically believe the placenta provides nutritional value and/or prevents postpartum depression. In my three and a half minutes of Yahoo! searching, I couldn't find any medical research that supported these claims. My own personal and very scientific research on the matter has shown that, in person, a placenta looks like a Louis Vuitton handbag made out of a horse's spleen and heart and I would rather eat nothing but peas for every meal for the rest of my life than take one bite of a placenta. (But Julie, I'll give you twenty bucks if you eat yours.)

For those of you that haven't already passed out, thrown your laptop out the window or switched to watching two girls, one cup, then you can further dive into this topic with the links below. And for those of you that like to eat placenta, good for you. You're gross. But you're gross and doing your own thing.

Time Magazine: Afterbirth: It's What's for Dinner

BBC News: Why Eat a Placenta?

For those of you who just want to see what it's like to cook one of these bad boys, enjoy the following video.

Porn Star or My Little Pony

Wow, I only got 1 out of 12 correct. Mind blowing. Who'd have thought "Big Boobs Betty" was a My Little Pony?

Porn Star or My Little Pony

Man Babies

OK, I finally created a ManBabies picture. I know, high priority, right? This site is so random, yet so funny. It's either an incredibly stupid idea or it's pure genius. I haven't decided which yet, but in the meantime I'm wasting plenty of time scrolling through these freakish pictures.

Say It Ain't So!

They can't leave my Log Cabin alone?!?! It's SUPPOSED to be high fructose corn syrup! If I'm going to have organ failure, I want it to be because of my pancake syrup.

Cruella De Gosselin

I deny my kids' toy and candy requests all the time. I even cart them through the store toy section on occasion just to show them what they can't have. But man, I look like a pushover compared to Kate Gosselin. This woman has gone completely off the deep end. Someone please put an end to this show.

Kip Nearly Destroys Entire Suburb

OK, maybe it wasn't my brother Kip personally, but it was his employer.

The explosion to which I'm referring took place this past Monday at a Veolia Environmental Services chemical plant located in West Carrollton, a suburb of Dayton, Ohio. According to the Dayton Daily News, Tim Spradlin, the Ohio fire marshal's chief explosion investigator called it "the largest industrial explosion I’ve seen.” This was no dumpster fire. Homes were rattled all over south Dayton. Flames shot hundreds of feet into the air and the fire could be seen from miles away. Amazingly, no one died. See the full story at the Dayton Daily News website. It happened at night and it obviously scared the living daylights out of area residents.

Last I checked, Kip was shipped up to Youngstown to work since his Dayton office was flattened. No word yet on his long term prospects.

Check out these pictures:

Top 10 Antimatter Facts

Since I know you're all just dying to know...

Top 10 Antimatter Facts : Discovery Channel