Jedi Mind Tricks

Truman and Amelia love to get into silly arguments and fights. No subject or object seems to be off limits. Even imaginary ones (which I'll get to in a moment) are fair game. I'm not surprised and I'm pretty sure it's especially common among siblings that are close in age (or in this case, the exact same age). But even I have had to laugh at some of the things they've been arguing over lately.

One afternoon I was loading all of the kids into the minivan for some typical afternoon jaunt to the park, the grocery store, or some other routine destination.  I was putting Amelia in her seat while she jabbered away about who knows what.  As I finish buckling her seatbelt, she decides to announce, "I'm talking to dad."  Truman, who previously did not seem to be paying attention to her ramblings, shoots back, "Noooo, I'm talking to dad."  This, of course, quickly turns into a shouting match over who is in fact talking to dad.  At this point, I close the minivan door and head back into the house to get Jameson.  Back at the car, I slide open the door only to find that the argument has continued despite the fact that I've been nowhere near them for the last few minutes.  "No I'm talking to dad."  "NO, I'm talking to dad."  "NO, I'M TALKING TO DAD."

Just recently, Amelia banged up her shin while climbing some stone steps.  It wasn't too bad, but it left a nice little bruise.  The morning after her injury she's investigating her leg during breakfast.  She reminds me of her calamity saying, "I hurt my leg."  Not to be outdone, but without actually having an injury of his own, Truman also declares, "I hurt my leg." This infuriates Amelia and once again we are off to the races, this time with a shouting match of "I HURT MY LEG!!!"

Now this next altercation is the one that blows my mind.  This is the bottom of the barrel when it comes to pointless fights.  It's dinnertime and Truman and Amelia are seated in highchairs directly next to each other which puts them in arms reach of one another.  While watching dinner being prepared they begin to pretend that they each have a set of imaginary tongs in their hands.  IMAGINARY.  Neither of them actually have anything in their hands.  Nothing.  Everyone is being pleasant as Truman and Amelia interact with Mom and carry out various tasks with their imaginary tongs.  Until.  Until Amelia decides to "steal" Truman's imaginary tongs.  She grabs them out of his hand and then waves them in front of his face while chanting, "I've got your tongs.  I've got your tongs."  Truman gets upset, lunges for Amelia and grabs his imaginary tongs back while scolding, "NO MAYA."  This only encourages Amelia who quickly snatches the imaginary-invisible-nonexistent-ridiculously-not-real tongs again and starts up with her "I've got your tongs" taunt.  I cannot believe this is happening.  They are actually fighting over objects that are simply ideas conjured up in their little two year old brains.  But then it gets worse.  Truman swipes his imaginary tongs back from Amelia once again.  This time, however, she doesn't make a play to get them back from him.  At least not physically.  Which is pretty much impossible anyway since THEY'RE NOT REAL to begin with.  No, this time Amelia just looks over at him and says, "Truuuuuuman."  He looks up at her.  She starts moving her hand as if she's dangling something in the air.  "Truuuuman.  I've got your tonnnnngs."  He looks down at his already empty hands as if his nonexistent tongs had suddenly vanished into thin air.  And he flips out.  "NOOOOO, MAYA!!!!  MY TONGS!!!!"  He scrambles to get them back.  Before he has time to relish his reclaimed treasure Amelia summons them back into her hands and with the biggest, most evil grin on her face begins her taunts anew.  Realizing his tongs have been magically pilfered yet again, Truman flies into a rage while demanding I intervene.  "Daaaaaad.  Maya take my tongs!  No! No! No!"  I'm not even exactly sure what he wanted me to do.  Her knowledge of the Force is obviously great, but I had to step in and put an end to this.  So I just did what I usually do.  I took away both of their imaginary tongs and set them on top of the refrigerator until after dinner.  Then no one was happy.  Except me.

Can't wait to see what they'll fight over next.

My Apologies

I am so, so, so sorry for posting this. You can thank Facebook for my discovery of it.

Men, do not watch while eating. Or standing. Or sitting down. Or breathing.

I Don't Care If It's Below Zero...

The weather here in Ohio has quickly changed from pleasant to... intrusive. Trips to the backyard now require jackets and hats. And, in what I'm starting to notice is some sort of strange annual weather cycle, things will only get worse.

So what's a stay at home parent to do? Sanity was often maintained this summer by trekking over to the park or at least kicking it in the backyard rather than engaging in another battle royal in the family room. Those options are going to be off the table in a couple of months (or sooner). At the very least they'll require an hour and a half of searching for and suiting up shoes, socks, coats, hats and gloves. So how does one stave off cabin fever in the winter months with a house full of restless children?

SAHD - Day 1

Day one of stay-at-home dad life is now under my belt. Technically, I stayed home yesterday, too, but Jameson had spent the night at his grandparents' house and wasn't home most of the day. Monday was kind of like spring training with just the twins under my care. It was a piece of cake. It was so easy that it makes me wonder what the hell I thought was so tough about Jameson back when he was the lone offspring. Man it was easy back then. No offense to you new parents out there, but the difference between having one kid and having multiple kids is night and day. It's like the difference between Batman: The Movie and The Dark Knight. It's like the difference between Rock Band the video game and The Who the actual band. Or the difference between the Cincinnati Bengals and any other franchise in the entire NFL. They're completely different. So anyway, with Jameson out of the house, I couldn't consider Monday my first real stay-at-home day.

I should be in bed right now (I can barely keep my eyes open), but I wanted to get this day on the record. Seeing as this is a journal of sorts, I hope I get the chance to post more often as this new life unfolds and I definitely want to document the first day.

The first day. Today was a different story. If yesterday was just spring training, today was midseason at least. All three of the kids were bringing the high heat. (More to come on "high heat.")

Things started off pretty well. Pretty easy morning. Smooth breakfast. We were at the park by 9:30 AM. By the time we got back from the park, my head was already swelling as I began rehearsing my dad of the year speech. Julie checked in at noon and the kids were all fed and the twins were already asleep. She asked how things were going and I believe my exact response was, "awesome!"

I'm such a fool. The second half of the day had me considering dusting off my resume and checking out Monster.com. The twins fought INCESSANTLY. Truman was being an incredible bully and Amelia screamed her head off every time he got near her. And Truman threw a fit whenever I wouldn't let him have his way (i.e. stealing toys from Amelia). Jameson was a downward spiral with every request I made setting him off. And to top it off, Truman was biting anything that moved today. No wait, that wasn't the topper. Remember the "high heat" reference? The AC quit working this afternoon amidst some lovely, humid 85 degree Ohio weather. That was particularly good news for my neighborhood since they could now hear all the screaming and crying coming from our open windows. I'm sure I'm making quite an impression in my new stay at home career. I managed to get an uninspiring dinner prepared just in time for a few tornadoes to roll through town (Ohio weather rules) and send us all to the basement for the evening. I can't think of a more relaxing way to finish a stressful day than to eat sloppy joes on a card table crammed into a cluttered, unfinished basement. At least it was a few degrees cooler down there.

But hey, tomorrow is a new day. I have complete faith in my ability to set an entirely new set of parenting lows tomorrow. If I play my cards right, my kids should be completely maladjusted by the end of the summer.

Bring it on.

PS - Heat, humidity, broken AC units, pregnant women and sleeping do not mix well.

Update: I would also like to point out that Julie had warned me the previous day that the AC seemed to be malfunctioning. I said she was crazy. So I must admit that JULIE WAS RIGHT and I WAS WRONG.