Take It from Me

"Always ask for some candy first, even when you want something else. They'll say 'no' every time. Act really disappointed about the candy, but then ask for what you really want. They'll have to say 'yes.' They can't help themselves. Guilt is like their kryptonite. Go to Dad for toys and games, go to Mom for desserts. I'm not sure why it works that way, but it does. Cuteness will take you far, but it's fleeting. Use it while you're still young. If anyone asks you to try a new food and they say you're really going to like it, it really means you're going to hate it. When you play games with Mom and Dad, make sure you let them win sometimes or they'll lose interest. Never underestimate what you can blame on the twins..."

Honest Scrap

For maybe the first time in my life I've been given an award. And I didn't even have to do anything to get it. Actually, it's more of a homework assignment. But, whatever, I'll still accept the trophy and check or whatever it is that comes with it. It's called Honest Scrap, and it was bestowed upon me by our good friend Charity, the sorceress behind The Donovan Clan blog. The idea here is that I'm supposed to share on my blog 10 honest things about myself and then assign at least seven other bloggers the same task. I'm game, but we'll see if I can actually think of 10 honest things to say about myself. Usually, everything out of my mouth is an exaggeration, fantasy or boldface lie.

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Show the 7 winners’ names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they have won the Honest Scrap award.

In no particular order, here are the bloggers I'm picking to keep this Ponzi scheme alive. They are each far scrappier and honestier than myself.

Meagan @ Dreams of Bicycle Rides
Cake @ Now Voyager
Hools @ We Don't Choose
Ms. P @ The Projectivist
Jim @ A Very Short Story
Amanda @ Memeopolis
Jay @ Genius Pending


2. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

1. 98% of the time I'm a laid back, nice guy. The other 2% of the time I'm an asshole. Or something like that. Maybe it's the other way around.

2. I have a weird desire for order. It's somewhat unpredictable and contrary to much of my artistic/creative mentality. I keep the refrigerator organized into product categories. I love for everything to have a "place." If it doesn't have a place, I cannot just put it somewhere temporarily. That leaves any given aspect of my life either completely organized or in complete disarray. My desk at home is a disaster. My desk at work was pristine. Once I get something organized, it's easy to keep it that way. My obsessive compulsive desire to straighten and align things is also somehow related. Julie is incompatible with my organization, though, and that incompatibility is probably the primary catalyst of my 2% asshole side.

3. My organizational tendencies are only limited to "things." I don't need my activities, plans, vacations or what not arranged in advance. For example, on a typical vacation I would have plane tickets, hotel reservations, maps, receipts and phone numbers neatly organized in folders. But I would never, ever have my vacation planned out with an itinerary or even a vague schedule. I go with the flow.

4. I took poor care of my teeth in college. Too many nights ended with tacos and Pepsi and me passing out on my bed. I was lucky to get my shoes off, let alone brush my teeth. This is not the best way to maintain a healthy mouth. I knew some people that could be on the verge of blacking out before bedtime and they'd still brush their teeth. It was like their body was on autopilot or something. I wish I was one of those people. So, now I have fillings and sensitivity. I take care of my teeth now, and they look fine, but they'll never be perfect like they were. Kids, take care of your adult teeth. They're the only ones you get.

5. My parents made me take clarinet lessons one time in elementary school. I hated it. A lot. I was too young to understand that even clarinet players probably pull lots of chicks.

6. In the "Diffusion of Innovations" theory, I enjoy being an innovator or early adopter when it comes to technology. If I miss the boat and the adoption of an innovation reaches critical mass, then I avoid the innovation at all costs, simply out of spite. I'm the same way about television shows. I'll never watch a single episode of Lost simply because it was too wildly popular before I got a chance to watch. Unfortunately, Mad Men looks to be headed that way, too. I will probably make for one crotchety old man.

7. I like taking marketing surveys. I want businesses to cater to my wants and needs as much as possible, so I never miss an opportunity to take a survey. Plus, I know how freakin' hard it is to get people to actually respond to survey requests, so I kinda do it out of sympathy, too.

8. I've had many, many jobs in my short lifetime. At last check, it was over twenty, not counting different jobs within the same company. I started as a paperboy when I was around twelve and worked some kind of job at least every summer after that. Quitting my job to be a stay-at-home-dad was a very strange experience. Jobs I've had (not necessarily in chronological order): paperboy, bagel shop, grocery store, catering, trash picker, trap shoot puller, phone operator, ticket sales, catering again, Chi-Chi's, Chili's (host, server, busser, cook, bartender, dishwasher, manager), marketing, more catering, call center tech support, Structure sales, Gap sales, paper shredder, school cleaning crew, baseball card sorter, concert t-shirt seller, insurance sales and more.

9. I'm a virgin.

10. I really like skull and skeleton themed artwork. It started as an interest in Dia de Los Muertes art, but now it's anything skeletal. I hope to build a collection of it. I'm very picky as to what I think is "good" though. I'm not sure from where this interest comes, but it's probably something like a subconscious way to deal with my own mortality by confronting death and making it into something pedestrian and unremarkable. But, hey, I'm no psychologist.

commissioned sketch by Tara Billinger

The More You Know

Hey, kiddos! It's time for Learning with James!

Today's topic: the wonderful world of cervical dilation*

This is a sexual education class that will cover many mature topics. If you have not turned in your permission slip signed by a parent or guardian, you may not participate in today's discussion. Please leave immediately. You are free to explore any other blog until lunch when you may rejoin your fellow students in the cafeteria.

Now for the rest of you - let's start talking about the cervix!

Madam Cervix lives in the lower, narrow portion of the Uterine Dormitory (i.e. "The U") just past where Miss Vagina hangs out. Madam Cervix is a tough broad that acts like a bit of gatekeeper to The U. Most days of the month she does her best to keep any undesirables (namely the boys from Sperm State) from gaining access to the unsuspecting girls that take up residence in The U. Occasionally though, she lets down her guard (usually after a few glasses of red wine -- she's a bit of a lush) and some unsavory gentlemen sneak past her. Often times, this leads to a sudden increase in church attendance, an uncomfortable conversation with someone's father and/or a wedding involving a smoothbore gun for firing small shot at short range.

Now let's get a little more technical about cervical dilation.

In the later stages of pregnancy, the cervix may already have opened up to 1-3 cm (or more in rarer circumstances), but during labor, repeated uterine contractions lead to further widening of the cervix to about 6 centimeters. From that point, pressure from the presenting part (head in vertex births or bottom in breech births), along with uterine contractions, will dilate the cervix to 10 centimeters, which is "complete." Cervical dilation is accompanied by effacement, the thinning of the cervix.

General guidelines for cervical dilation:
*Latent phase: 0-3 centimeters
*Active Labor: 4-7 centimeters
*Transition: 8-10 centimeters
*Complete: 10 centimeters - Delivery of the infant takes place shortly after this stage is reached (although the mother does not always push right away).

Symptoms
During pregnancy, the os (opening) of the cervix is blocked by a thick plug of mucus to prevent bacteria from entering the uterus. During dilation, this plug is loosened. It may come out as one piece, or as thick mucus discharge from the vagina. When this occurs, it is an indication that the cervix is beginning to dilate, although not all women will notice this mucus plug being released.

Bloody show is another indication that the cervix is dilating. Bloody show usually comes along with the mucus plug, and may continue throughout labor, making the mucus tinged pink, red or brown.

The pain experienced during dilation is similar to that of menstruation (although markedly more intense). Most of the pain during labor is caused by the uterus contracting to dilate the cervix.

Got all that? The cervix is going to open up and thin out so this baby can be born. In other words, it's like hand-tossed pizza dough with a hole in the middle of it. As it keeps getting tossed in the air, the dough is going to thin out and the hole is going to get bigger and bigger, until, Mama Mia! Eetsa baby!

So where does Julie stand right now? One centimeter at last Thursday's doctor visit. Lots of painful contractions and cramping the last couple of days. No sign of any bloody mucus plugs.



*Cervical dilation information courtesy of Wikipedia and my wife's thoroughly familiar doctor. Bad pizza dough analogy -- all me.

All Figured Out

I printed a bunch of random photos, cut out the heads, and let Jameson glue them on blank paper and draw bodies for the heads. (I don't know... it sounded like fun.)

Here is a picture of my mom and dad.



His explanation of the drawing:

"That's Grandpa washing dishes. And that's Grandma. Telling Grandpa to wash more dishes."

The Simple Truth

One of the best parts about staying home is all the knowledge Jameson drops on me. For example, today he taught me about the police.

Jameson: "Dad, police officers put bad people in jail. And help good people find their mammas."