Breasts and Nut Cups

Julie and I have had four kids in a little less than four years.  Not a remarkable feat but still a little different when compared to the average American family these days.  Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn't ask, "So how do you guys do it?"

And I always answer the same way:  With love and tenderness and a little Barry White playing in the background.

Hey-ohhhh!

Just try and delete that image from your head, friends and family!

Ahem.  Anyhow.  Having this many kids doesn't seem that out of the ordinary to me.  I myself am the oldest of five children.  And I come from a clan of prolific procreative Irish Catholics -- one aunt tops the charts at eleven kids.  Depending on who you ask, we've had a lot of kids relatively quickly.  Of course, having twins, a completely unexpected event, sped things up a little.  But, it is what is.  We have multiple offspring.

So how do we do it?

The real answer is:  We don't know.  We just do.

Lame, huh?

There's not really a good answer to that question.  You just do what you gotta do.  In so many ways, having multiple kids forces you to live in the moment.  The crying, the sharing, the barfing, the hugging, the fighting, the meals, the bedtimes, the trips, the stories, the questions, the revelations -- it all just keeps coming at you.  Each one a challenge and opportunity.  Each moment precious and fleeting.  It's kind of like being at the batting cages.  Whether you whiff or connect, you can't sit around analyzing or admiring your last swing for too long or you'll miss the next pitch.  You have to make adjustments on the fly, dig in and get ready for the next pitch.  Over and over again.

That's not to say you don't get better along the way by learning from your past performance.  Planning ahead is also beneficial.  And there are definitely tips, tricks and tools to help make the whole experience better.  Same goes for the other kind of "doing it" too, by the way.

Sorry.  I couldn't resist.

Maybe I'm really just dodging the whole question of how do we do it, but I will at least give you a list of the top five things that help get it done.

1. The Evenflo Travel Highchair

This is the single greatest purchase of my entire parenting experience.  It is especially key for anyone with multiples.  This beauty is lightweight, sturdy and ridiculously compact and easy to carry.  It works great indoors and out.  We have two of them and at least one of them is in the back of the minivan at all times.  They're so easy to open and the kids can be secured in one in seconds.  At picnics, they're the difference between chasing kids around trying to shove food down their throats and actually sitting down to enjoy a meal.  My kids would honestly weigh 24% less if we didn't have these high chairs.  When out, I have been asked by strangers about these high chairs more than I've been asked about my actual kids by at least a 3 to 1 ratio.


2. The Breasts



They're functional.  They're convenient.  Your wife always has them with her.  They never fail to sooth even the crankiest customer.

And they're not just for the dads.

Not every mother can or will breast-feed, but when available, they're indispensable.  Sure, bottles have their advantages, but it's hard to top breasts.  They provide the original comfort food and are damn near perfectly designed for feeding infants.  Breasts don't need to be sterilized, refilled, heated or prepped in any way.  You can't run out of breasts.  You can't lose breasts.  True, you can't borrow breasts in a pinch, but as long as mom's around, you also won't need to run out in the middle of the night to buy more breasts.

And best of all, dads don't have them, so it's the single parental duty that as a father you never have to handle.


3. The Bjorn

No, not Bjork.  Bjorn.



You only have so many hands.  (Well, two specifically.  I guess I don't need to be vague about the number of hands you have.)  Anyhow.  Regardless of the number of hands you have, eventually you need to stop carrying your tots and start strapping them to your body with a complex system of straps and pulleys.  There are a bazillion contraptions out there for affixing babies to your body parts and I certainly have not tried them all, but I have tried a few and none of them compared to the Baby Bjorn.  The things are so comfortable that you could probably strap one of those giant tabloid babies to your chest and still shoot a 79 from the black tees.  When your kids eventually outgrow it, the Baby Bjorn can also conveniently hold a mini keg.  Or so I've heard.


4. The Nut Cup


I've been bashed in the onions more times since having kids than I had been in all the previous 30 years of my life.  Seriously.  It's a near daily occurrence.  It's a wonder I was even able to have more kids after the first one.  First of all, all little kids have this fundamental design flaw of being just the right height for kicking your nards when you pick them up.  Secondly, they have no concept of genitalia pain, so running and jumping knees first into your lap doesn't register as a critical hit in their minds.  If you're a guy with kids, you might as well slip one of these in your shorts every night before going to bed.  Why before going to bed?  Because it's a statistical fact that 83% of all ball bombs come in the form of leaping children eager to wake you up in the morning via the pain train straight into your crotch.


5. The Red Bull



Red Bull.  Lots and lots of Red Bull.

Some time around my junior year in college, coffee completely lost it's ability to keep me awake.  Now I can drink coffee in bed and still fall right to sleep.  I need something with a little more kick if I'm to keep up with my pack of hell raisers.  Dozing on this job doesn't mean nodding off face first into a computer keyboard while hoping that the person in the next cubicle didn't hear you just type "asdfjjjjjjjj" with your left cheek bone.  On this job, snoozing means things get flushed down the toilet that shouldn't be flushed down the toilet.  It means someone experiments with cutting their own hair.  It means something expensive gets broken.

So bring on the Red Bull. It's not the trendiest and maybe not even the most effective.  But it's the original.  And it mixes damned well with Jägermeister.

Traveling with the Seven Dwarfs

Recently we took the family to Walt Disney World in Florida. Actually, it was Julie's parents that took us to Florida. It was quite the trip. Disney World is always fun and the kids had a blast. Unfortunately it was especially cold and rainy for the so-called "Sunshine State" and we all brought back more than souvenirs from the Germiest Place on Earth -- namely a nasty, nasty gastrointestinal virus and some lingering colds. Despite a week of diarrhea and vomiting that followed, the trip was worth it, in large part due to my wife's diligent planning before we left.

Not long ago, the Multiples and More website asked for tips about traveling with multiples. Having just done so, I've got some sage advice here for anyone heading to Disney World with multiple ankle biters.


Tips for Traveling with Multiple Kids

Tip #1: Leave the kids at home. Seriously. Like there's any amount of tips that can make major travel with a bunch of toddlers easy. Take the money you would have spent on plane tickets and theme park admission and hire a good babysitter.

Tip #2: If you're going to stay at a resort like Disney World, consider sending yourself a care package prior to arriving. It's cheaper than what the airlines charge for luggage and you'll save yourself the burden of carrying even more stuff to the airport and on the plane. If you're still insistent on bringing the kids on vacation, it might not be a bad idea to just ship them to the hotel, too.

Tip #3: OK, if you're going to ignore Tip #1 and go through with this, make sure you don't try to leave for your trip in the middle of a blizzard. There's nothing like planning on entertaining kids for two hours on a plane and then actually spending four hours on that plane. Not to mention, it's extra fun to load and unload the kids in and out of the car in two feet of snow.

Tip #4: Get your hillbilly on before going through security: strip your kids down to their diapers. Since two-year olds pose a major threat to national security, they will be required to get out of their strollers, remove their jackets and take off their shoes before being processed by security. I mean, since it's so easy to get multiple kids dressed in shoes and coats at home, doing it amid the chaos of an airport security gate should be a piece of cake, right? I say go all out and just let the kiddies follow you around the airport barefoot and in their diapers from the get go. Plus, it makes it easier to change their diapers on the chairs at the gate (see Tip #5) in front of everyone right before you get on the plane.

Tip #5: While waiting at the gate, nod your head and stare unblinkingly at random non-breeding passengers. It will put the fear of God in them as they visualize spending the next few hours of their lives trapped in a flying sardine can with your brood of germ carrying, seat kicking, scream machines. Might as well get your dirty looks in now -- you can be certain it will be a parade of dirty looks in your direction later as your fellow travelers consider how they would much rather be flying with card carrying al-Quaeda members since it's socially acceptable to tackle them if they get out of hand on a plane.

Tip #6: By the time you actually get your whole family and all your carry on luggage on the plane without the assistance of a single bystander, you'll probably be feeling a little stressed. A nice way to relax is by having a good laugh. I recommend taking one of the kids back to the airplane bathroom and checking out the baby changing tables. Hilarious! Tinkerbell couldn't change Tom Thumb's diaper on one of those things. Now quickly get back to your seat so you can continue praying that none of your kids drop a major deuce while mid-flight.

Tip #7: "I have had it with these motherf*%#ing kids on this motherf*%#ing plane!" No real tip here. I just hope you've amassed enough good karma points for a flight without diarrhea, vomiting, earaches or douchebag passengers that act worse than two year olds.

Tip #8: Remember that the flight was the easy part. Don't get sucked into a false sense of security as you exit the plane. Kids are dumb and they might have a hard time grasping the fact that the plane didn't just land at Disney World. You've still got luggage hauling, transportation arranging, and a long Mickey Mouse-less ride to your hotel. Have fun! Oh, and if you have the chance to opt for Disney's "Magical Express" service, do it. It's worth selling a kidney to afford it.

Tip #9: I hope you sent yourself that care package and it's waiting for you in your room. And I hope you included a bottle of vodka or rum in said package.

Tip #10: Disney only shows Disney owned television channels in their guest rooms, so that means no Yo Gabba Gabba fix for your two-year old and no after hours Cinemax for you. Pack accordingly.

Tip #11: When getting around the small metropolis otherwise known as Disney World via their expansive bus system, always make sure you GET ON THE RIGHT FRIGGIN' BUS. Because only a complete moron (or a husband and wife super moron team) would get on the wrong bus and turn a 5 minute ride to the Animal Kingdom into a forty minute tour of all the Disney parks you won't be visiting that day.

Tip #12: If you didn't listen to Tip #1, then remember you're doing this for the kids. And just keep telling yourself that you'll get to take a real vacation again when you're fifty. If you last that long.