It was on this date in 2004 that you hit the jackpot, Julie.
It's been five years since we tied the knot and since then I think I've continually exceeded your expectations. Surely you didn't expect me to gain so much muscle weight. I'm certain you never anticipated how passionate I could be about fantasy football. And I know you didn't think it was humanly possible to spend so much time in the bathroom. What can I say -- I'm an overachiever.
But today isn't just about me. It's also about all the things I do for you. I've introduced you to so many wonderful things. Like online first person shooter games. And breakfast cereal for dinner. And dutch ovens. I even cultivated your unconditional love of camping and watching ten straight hours of football on Sundays. How empty would your life seem without me?
Just think of all the personal growth you've achieved with my gentle and persistent coaching. I'm sure that when you eventually learn where exactly the toilet paper belongs in the bathroom you'll only have me to thank. (Hint: It's not on the sink or the back of the toilet.) One day, you too may obsess over refrigerator organization all because of my mentoring. And if you commit to it, I think you have the potential to surpass my own hypocrisy and stubbornness -- traits revered in political circles the world over. These are just a few of my many gifts to you. (I'm what the single ladies out there refer to as "a keeper.")
Sure, it hasn't been all wine and roses. I've gotten pretty adept at anticipating your every need, but sometimes even I make a mistake. Luckily those mistakes are few and far between. Married life is full of challenges, but I'm just as committed as ever to help show you the logical way to overcome those challenges. I know logic doesn't come easy for you, but that's what I'm here for. That's why we make such a great pair.
So here we are, five years in on an already crazy journey. (Seriously, what's up with cranking out four kids already?) Most people probably look at our relationship and scratch their heads. How did Hoolie land such a man? How does such an imbalanced marriage thrive? Well, I just smile and wink at those head scratchers. We're in this marriage for the long haul and I know you've got plenty of time to make it up to me.
Happy anniversary, Julie. There's no one else in this world I'd rather drive crazy. I love ya' lots.